The horn dog, the lewd lascivious pervert, the sex maniac, Quagmire. *Giggity*

The guy you don’t REALLY want to shake hands with because your not quite sure where its been, but you know it hasn’t been good.

Often making you sick to your stomach explaining what “smegma” is, or going on about some likely non-existent tryst, the MR tends to be vile for the sake of being vile.

Distracting, unwarranted, perverse thoughts are spewn at whomever is willing (or even unwilling) to listen.

Legal threats are a snowball in hell as Rex likely has his lawyer on speed dial he’s been in hot water so much.

So what is there to do?

Earplugs and hand sanitizer.

The Promiser, the Magician, the Trickster.

The Genie is the unfulfiller of promises, always talking about how good things will be and never carrying them through.
Often this Monster comes from management, but not always, it is just as likely to be one of your own.

Documents unwritten, servers un-updated, bonuses ungiven, vacations unallowed, these are all the work of the Genie.

What is there to do about the Genie?
Well, that depends on his stature, if he is a lowly Genie simply shoving a cork up his bottle might be enough, but higher order Genies take some work, often requiring threats of vacancy of office to goad them into action, but often there is nothing to be done about the Genie, his seemingly omnipotence forces you to stay your hand and hope things work out for the best, while they often do not.

The bringer of a pot of gold who is as elusive as the Shadow.

He appears in flights of fancy jingling his pockets of gold, taunting the Midas Gigas, but he didn’t get that Gold by giving it away, no the Leprechaun is a stingy, self centered conniver, always plotting to steal away a small child all the while offering you a new pair of shoes or a pot o’ gold if you can find it at the end of a very winding and difficult to climb rainbow.

Jumping through hoops is a polite term for what the Leprechaun forces others to do in exchange for his gold, often requiring meaningless tasks be performed in multitude before he will crack his purse strings.

But this project/product/market will make the Midas Gigas mounds of gold if only the developers can have X done by tomorrow.
And blindly the Midas Gigas obeys.

Not necessarily a “BAD” Monster per say, Midas Gigas is an imposing Monster none the less.

It seems that Midas Gigas only sees Gold, and while its heart might be in the right place most of the time, like a Bull to a Red flag the Midas Gigas charges headlong into things often throwing common sense to the winds.

Poorly conceived projects, ill thought out products, and customer-less markets all gets approved by the Midas Gigas because he gets convinced that Gold will appear, typically brought by our next Monster.

Also known as the Void.

The Blackhole has a rough appearance, not visible directly but by the movement of objects around his Event Horizon, you know the Blackhole exists, but have little solid proof, beyond his effect on objects in his vicinity.

Memos, Documents, Reports, Work Queues, these go into the Blackhole and never return except for the stray X-Ray of information, too unintelligible to decypher.

The Blackhole is typically in Management, and is usually too busy to even acknowledge your existance, but with ample time to play Solitare, listen to the radio, and watch CollegeHumor.com videos, not to mention the odd jaunt of Porn that somehow makes its way onto the network.

Unfortunately there is little to be done about either the Shadow, nor the Blackhole, both are too powerful or incorporeal to affect directly, but both will eventually fade into nothingness, the Shadow eventually being dissolved into a larger Shadow, hopefully at another organization, and the Blackhole by slowly bleeding off their knowledge in a small but steady stream of X-Rays of Information.

Also known as the Boogey Man, and the Invisible Man, no one sees him, and those that have whisper only in rumor and myth.

There is an office with a desk, chair, PC and name plate to be sure, but work occurs in the shadows, materials appear and disappear without even a glimpse of the Shadow.

Something appears to happen, but at a rate unimaginably slow, for for Shadow communicates by drawing words in the dust on his desk.
or by yellow Post-It notes on your monitor.

Similar to the Cancer, the Shadow feeds on morale, but not as directly, the apparent freedom the Shadow flaunts is a drain on those who are forced to interface with other humans.

Now the Shadow isn’t a Work at Home type person, if that home even existed, no the Shadow operates in the Void between “In the Office” and “Reachable by phone”, where neither is every really true, the Shadow is a Void, very similar to our next Monster…

A cruel hearted energy sucking bitch, the Cancer drains all forms of morale from an office.

Forcing such HR related PC things as the Fall Party instead of Halloween, the Holiday Party instead of Christmas or New Years, and shunning any recognition of Valentines, St Patties and not understanding the big point about Memorial Day, this witch has a miserable life and thinks everyone else should too.

And woe to the one who would try to befriend or cheer up this blackhole of emotion for she turns into a rabid beast, baring fang and claw alike against those who would draw her from her pit of self loathing.

So what do we do against the Cancer? Well, Garlic, a Wooden stake, and Silver Bullets might be a start, but treat her like the plague she is, Isolate or Eliminate, place her in a soulless wasteland where she can cause no emotional damage, such as Accounting, or Eliminate the monster, a Temp service would be more than happy to escort a fresh face over in the morning.